You Don’t Need All The Answers

As you may know, before I started my business, I was an actor. I would regularly take acting classes as a way to improve my craft and become a better artist.

Because business got, well, busy, I no longer had a real desire to keep honing my craft, so I stopped taking acting class.

However, a few months ago, I started hearing a gentle knock on my soul’s door. It said, “Maybe you should go back to acting class.”

I quickly brushed it off, because that just didn’t make any sense.

I’m not looking to be cast in a Broadway show or do another film, and I certainly don’t have TWO days a week for almost FOUR hours at a time to be in a class!

But when something knocks on your soul’s door, you must listen…

…or else it just continues to knock louder and louder.

As my knock got louder, I began to tune into WHY it was suggesting that I go back to acting class. Slowly, it became clear.

You see, in this world of wellness, where all these wonderfully uplifting blogs exist, inspiring hashtags are shared and self betterment programs live, there is often little space allowed for the real truth of life.

And not just the real truth of life, but the real truth of life that is meant to be experienced with another human being in real time, in front of you.

I’m not suggesting that anyone (including me) is falsely representing the power of positivity, but sometimes there’s a sense that if you have “messy” feelings, opinions or thoughts, they must be fixed.

And if they are not fixed, there is a sense that perhaps they should be hidden.

I started to realize that the knocking on my soul’s door was not about longing to be a performer again, but it was actually about longing to tell the truth to myself about some of my messier feelings.

Because this thing that we are all living, LIFE, is not always pretty. We (I’m including myself here) get angry, frustrated, jealous, insecure, afraid and pissed off. And that’s just the tip of the feelings iceberg.

Our opinions about the world, others and even ourselves don’t always fit into these inspiring hashtags or uplifting blog posts. Nor should they. But because they don’t always fit so well…

It becomes easy to push these important, messy feelings aside.

We brush them off, don’t look at them, don’t address them, don’t tell the truth about them, because they may not be in alignment with what we think an inspirational, positive person is supposed to look like.

But when you don’t allow yourself to experience ALL the colors of what it is to be human, it catches up to you.

If you close the door on these true and real (yet messy) feelings, that’s usually when something else starts to bubble up.

As Pema Chodren says, “Nothing ever goes away until it has taught us what we need to know.”  TWEET IT.

It may start as a low-grade irritation, but over time, still unaddressed, that irritation will turn into anything from a feverish anxiety, to burnout, or even depression.

My sense is that the only real solution to this bubbling up is to open the door completely and let some of these thoughts and feelings get some air.

Gorgeous, you can try to ignore these things and you can even try to transform them.

But what if instead of TRYING to transform them, you simply EXPLORED them?

And I don’t mean just explore them on your instagram account in order to get the approval from others that your ‘messy’ feelings are valid.

I mean what if you examined them? In your real life. Today. In this moment.

How do you really feel?

What if you let some of these thoughts and feelings have a voice without being afraid that they would swallow you whole?

Perhaps this exploration is actually where the real joy exists. Not the manufactured hallmark, happiest person you know JOY, as my acting teacher, Matt Corozine would say.

There is an exhilarating and deeper sense of joy that comes from really living the truth. Moment to moment.

Maybe when you stop trying to control everything and instead let yourself live in the unknown of your own feelings, you will step into an even greater sense of freedom.

You fling the door open and say, “Hey you guys! You thoughts and feelings and opinions. Let’s have a freakin’ chat. Maybe we even need a yelling match. Maybe we need to flirt. Maybe we need to have it out. Whatever it is, I am ready!”

So I did it.

SOULS_DOOR

I went back to acting class.

And let me tell you…

It is giving me life.

It is allowing me to explore all my colors. In real time. With other human beings. In the moment. It’s giving me the space to play with them and even make something out of them.

I have no idea where it’s going, but I don’t need all the answers.

The people in that room that day may be the only people who ever witness the work.

There may be zero tangible result that comes of it.

I have committed to not needing to know.

I have committed to not having to do what makes “logical” sense.

I have committed to allowing whatever comes up, to come up. In fact, I am welcoming it all. And let me tell you again, it feels like I am really living.

Now, over to you…

Is there something that has been knocking on your soul’s door that doesn’t exactly make sense? Is there something you feel the need to do that may not be what is expected of you from others or yourself? Are you feeling a calling to explore something new, even if it you don’t know what RESULT you will get? Do you need answers before acting?

Share it below. It’s always so good to hear about your callings and longings.

Love,
Erin

 

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