Have you ever been angered or frustrated by someone else’s choices or actions because those choices seem to have a direct impact on your plans, or how you wanted things to go?
If the answer is yes, keep reading. I am sharing a story about being peeved and what I did about managing anger.
If the answer is no, and you truly have never experienced this, then please reply to this email and introduce yourself. You are likely a fully enlightened being and I want to know you!:)
So, the other week I got some disappointing news about someone’s choices that seemed to be in direct conflict with my plans.
I had recently changed the Shrink Session teacher-training curriculum to be an apprenticeship program where I could work individually with the teachers. I wanted a little more hands-on time with them in order to give support in the areas they most need.
In the middle of a training session, after spending a month or so working together, one of my wonderful girls who was almost ready to start teaching, timidly informed me that she had some news: she’d gotten her dream job and she’d be performing in a show that would take her out of the city for the next 6 months.
I could tell she was afraid to tell me.
She is a musical theater actress, and while teaching Shrink Session is an exciting new chapter for her performing is surely her heart and soul.
I am going to be really candid with you here, because I think it is important to tell the truth.
My first reaction when she told me was NOT, “Omg! I am so excited for you! This is a dream come true! You must be thrilled! Mazel Tov!”
Under a variety of different circumstances, this would absolutely be my response. But because these plans would directly affect what I had envisioned for the next 6 months, let’s just say that beautiful and loving response was not available to me in that moment.
My first INTERNAL reaction was more like, “Are you flipping kidding me? I have just spent a month training you. I am counting on you to teach, like soon!”
Again, I am being totally honest because I want you to understand the powerful opportunity we have in the moments we find out things are not going as we planned.
First, you should know that I am not a yeller. I tend to get quiet when I’m mad. Frankly this can come off as passive aggressive because I am trying so hard to push down my feelings.
I have enough experience to know that the quiet aggression doesn’t play so well. It’s so important to manage anger. Here’s what I did:
Lesson #1: I took what I like to call a MATO (a Mini Adult Time Out:) because they are so very helpful. It doesn’t require you sit in a corner. Rather, it simply requires that you breathe and not say a whole lot if you are simply going to spew anger. There is no rush to talk.
This is not to say I was a perfect angel, but I did my best to stay fairly neutral as I recalled a few mantras from the very practice I teach.
“It’s all working out. It’s all getting done. The Universe supports me, every where I go.”
As hard as it can be to shift into a more LOVING state during these times, and please know this is an ongoing practice and we are not meant to always do it perfectly, I truly believe that in every moment we have an opportunity to either give love or take it away. More on that in a second.
If I believe and encourage others to stand in the idea that the “Universe supports me everywhere I go”, then surely this is in HER best interest as well as MINE.
During these red hot times, we can let our egos get the best of us. Especially if we buy into the idea that if something doesn’t go as planned it will have a direct negative impact on our success or happiness.
ALTERNATELY, we can actually be the leader we long to be lead by, the individual who does NOT buy into fear, the human being who truly DOES trust it is all working out and it is all getting done.
It’s easy to say “Life supports us” when things are going really well, but how about practicing this when the you-know-what hits the fan?
Lesson #2: After taking a second, I told the truth:
“Look, this is all hard to hear. I am not going to pretend that in this moment, I am not a little disappointed. If you are not getting warm fuzzy feelings from me right this second, it’s just because I am having a bunch of feelings about this. I want to support you and at the same time my ego is doing a little dance of fear. I know ultimately, this is going to work out for the best, for both of us. And it will be wonderful.”
Lesson #3: Then I stopped talking and I started listening.
I let her talk about her own internal conflicts about this job. It means she is leaving NY, yet again. She was looking forward to teaching. She struggles with the life of a performer and the associated instabilities.
Listening, instead of making it all about oneself, is KEY in these moments. It’s not always easy, but if we can take the attention off ourselves, even for just a moment, it eases a lot of tension.
We talked for a while longer and by listening to her, I began to soften. I let her know that the door will be open for her when she returns. And I meant it. We hugged it out.
And if I am still being honest with you, which I promised I would be, a few hours later, I was still feeling a little disappointed.
But LESSON #4 is about SHIFTING FOCUS. My disappointment wasn’t so much about “How could she do this?” it was more about, “Shoot, what’s next? Who can we get to fill in?”
The person who is making a choice is not DOING something to you. They are not TAKING anything away from you.
Despite it feeling that way, you can begin to shift your focus to a solution. Even if you don’t know what it is yet.
Shifting focus to a solution rather than staying tuned into the problem is a MUCH more powerful position to stand. You are no longer looking BACK at something you can’t change, but you are already looking FORWARD and allowing your subconscious to generate new ideas of how things could possibly play out.
Here is the biggest take away I want you to get.
LESSON #5: In every moment we are either giving love or we are taking it away. We are either living in faith or living in fear. It really can’t be both at the same time.
I had a spiritual teacher once tell me there is never a good reason to take love away from any situation. Think about that.
This doesn’t mean you don’t get upset or you that you let people walk all over you. But taking love away from yourself or others in the face of anger by being spiteful, mean, hateful or passive aggressive is never a good answer.
The next time you find yourself if these tricky moments, about to explode or implode with with anger, I invite you to follow these steps:
Take a beat to collect yourself. Try to understand how you are really feeling before you lash out.
Tell the truth about how you feel, recognizing that it is a FEELING in this moment, not a FACT. It will change.
Take the attention off of yourself to really listen to the other person.
Ask yourself, am I giving love, either to myself or this person, or am I taking it away?
If this post inspires you, I would love to hear how you deal with conflict over on the blog. I think it’s so valuable to share ideas on this topic and learn better ways to communicate our feelings without dumping a bunch of icky stuff on someone else. Come on over. I’ll be reading and commenting. I’d also love to hear how do YOU manage your anger?
With patience and love,
Erin
BEST THE BLOG
of
The best and only walking workout you'll ever want to do.
Feel lighter, energized and more vibrant with every step.
things always work out for the best ….. always …..
Your posts are always so thoughtful. Thanks! My takeaways: I can let go of “the idea that if something doesn’t go as planned it will have a direct negative impact”. That’s huge. When I invest in planning, one of my assumptions is that the more I plan, the more control I will have and the better the chances that things will happen as I think they should (because, of course, I know best). So planning can now just be planning, if things change, then the plan changes and more planning can result. The other takeaway: “the idea that the “Universe supports me everywhere I go” [means that] surely this is in HER best interest as well as MINE.” It’s about abundance, sharing and give and take. Good words.
I love your takeaways, Paula:) And I so hear you on the control part of it. It actually feels so freeing to let go a little bit. xo
I loved this post!!! So many things about it: MATO- Mini Adult Time Out, how precious is that. Your truthfulness was so genuine and you displayed how you did not suppress that but noticed your ego, your fear and still were able to speak your truth. Then you listened which is such a special gift we have to share with others and shifted your focus from fear to love. Thank you!
Thank you for reading + your kind words:) xo
oh boy- did I need to read/hear this this morning! Dealing with a very frustrating situation right now, exasperated that with others near, feel it is fine to be dumped all in my lap, all for ME to do, all by myself.
Thanks Erin for reminding me to first- take a time out- will need to start that way MANY times today.
Namaste
Take as many as you need, dear Pat:) There truly is no rush.
Of course this is your post today! I’ve been very frustrated with one of my partners on my current project. I know enough not to respond from a place of anger, so I haven’t said anything. Neither has she. In typical Midwest fashion, we’re both being pretty passive aggressive. This post is so helpful! Coming from a place of love and giving love, simple genius and so easily forgotten when we get scared and defensive. About to put your steps into action, I’ll let you know how it goes. Love to you! Thanks!
Yes, when we get scared and defensive, it all goes kaput:)Please do keep me posted on how it goes! xo
Wonderful! so wise. Thank you for sharing.
Erin,
Thank you for this perfectly timed post. My long term relationship may be falling apart because of choices made by my partner, and while I am beyond hurt and angry I have been making active choices in our conversations to not lash out, and to try and maintain my integrity throughout the whole ordeal. MATO- I feel like I’ve been in one for a week now. Thank you for letting me know that whatever the circumstances that put us in these places, that I am not alone.
Well said — thank you for sharing your vulnerabilities and growth experiences — you’re amazing! Reminds me of something I realized about myself recently, which is I can only be happy when things go my way??!!! This has resonated with me throughout the week and has started another shift for me — an openness, a softening and curiosity about looking at life a little differently 🙂
This was truly a gem: I truly believe that in every moment we have an opportunity to either give love or take it away. I am taking it and applying it post haste.
I recently found myself feeling like I was drowning, overwhelmed by negative feelings (not the kind of “drowning in work” or anything). I was like “I better frickin’ learn to swim, and FAST.” But I took the metaphor one step further — to my days in Junior Lifesaving 101 — to stop that panicked drowning feeling all I need to do is turn over and float. So I have been asking myself lately “In this moment, this reaction, is this me floating, or not?” Now I can also add to that, “Is this me giving love, or taking it away?”
Wow oh wow! Erin, I love the beauty and the honesty in this piece. The takeaways I’ve had from it are countless. Thanks for being my spiritual teacher today…
Oh Erin 🙂 How did you know I was about to let someone have it today?! But now I won’t! Perfect timing..thanks boo! <3
Wow Erin your maturity especially for one so young is so encouraging to me. I think we (the human race) will be just fine with ones like you leading the way! I loved how you took time to get in touch with the compassionate truths before speaking. I do this with EFT tapping. I love the NVC (Non violent communication) formula for speaking about “issues” except I call it compassionate communication. YOu can find it online just google NVC.
Love your stuff …keep strutting it!!!
H
Erin, what a powerful story, more so because it is a TRUE story – and that always grounds me deeply in the lesson being offered. You are always so personal and specific, which is why I think you create real shifts with those you work with. I have been struggling with an issue at work, so I will apply your steps and I know it will help. Thank you for sharing this with us! Love, and all good things, from Seattle…
Thanks for sharing this Erin. I experienced a similar situation when a key staff member moved away.My initial reaction was “How will I cope”? She was my right hand. We have kept in touch & she is still our gorgeous friend & yes our business continued on.
I must admit I tend to lash out verbally (Not in this case however. I could only wish her well) so will be taking on your suggestions & ensuring I don’t take away the love but rather ensure I am giving out a lot more love. Keep up the great work.
I wish I had read this post sooner. It would have probably saved me a lot of tears and heartache from a situation that I just went through. I gave my gut reaction to someone and he reacted badly and now when I’m trying to be encouraging and repair the damage that was done he thinks that I’m being fake. I know it will always be a struggle to stop my gut reaction to situations, but I’m trying to give love in life rather than taking love.
You know, the message always seems to appear when we need them the most ! Joining a family member I have not seen in 10 years, today for a Mother’s Day Lunch. There has been alot of hurt on both sides due to anger on both sides . Funny how today is the first time I have seen this post from you! Thank you for the reminder Erin! Everything is working out the way it is meant to and I have Faith that lunch with my mother and grandmother will be a wonderful way to begin a new path! Thank you ! And Happy Mother’s Day !