dating + being loved
I was having a chat with a single girlfriend the other day. Naturally the conversation led to her love life and her latest and greatest dating adventures.
Her most recent date was over a green juice and coconut water. How very 2014.
To her dismay, the gent proceeded to point out the high price of said green juice and coconut water. Several times. She just sort of smiled, hoping he would move on.
(While talking about about money is probably a no-no on a first date, an $8 coconut water IS pricey.)
However, my girlfriend, who has experienced a good amount of professional and financial accomplishments, said that it brought up a sense of insecurity about her own success.
While this guy worried about $8 coconut water, she truly began to fear that her own success would be intimidating, therefore making it harder to find someone.
Her fear struck a chord with me as I remembered several years before having a similar conversation with another girlfriend of mine.
Only it was for the exact opposite reason!
I was just starting my business and entering into the dating world after ending a long-term relationship.
I had not yet experienced the success I knew I was capable of and I was concerned that my LACK of success would make it hard to meet someone.
My fear was, “Who is going to love me if I have nothing to show for myself?”
While it may seem like we were on opposites of the fear fence, I detect an unlikely common culprit here.
Let me paint the picture with one more colorful stroke.
I’m hanging out with a few girlfriends last week, one of whom is single. As the conversation turned to dating, her eyes welled up with tears.
She has been in the dating world for a while. She hasn’t had a long-term relationship in quite some time. A la Charlotte’s famous line in Sex and The City, “I’ve been dating since I was fifteen. I’m exhausted, where IS he!?” My friend was starting to lose hope.
She said, “The guys here don’t want someone my age. I just don’t know if I believe that someone could actually love me the way I see my friends’ partners love them.”
Of course, my heart broke for her.
But between these examples, something became very clear to me.
Although these are wildly different scenarios, they all have the same root.
I doubt I am lovable as I am.
You can attach whatever you wish to your fear; I won’t have success at the thing I want (dating, weight loss, career) because I am _____ (too successful, not successful enough, not pretty enough, not as thin as, not as young as, old as, etc.)
All of these are “reasons” the ego constructs in order to keep you in a busy state of constantly trying to fix yourself.
In doing so, our egos are also trying to protect us from the deeper fear, which is insanely uncomfortable to sit with if we stopped the doing, the worrying, the crazy making. The fear is the notion that I am unlovable. Just because. For no good fixable reason at all.
Strangely, I find this whole realization comforting, and let me tell you why: It is a reminder that perhaps we don’t have to run around trying to fix or change things. What a relief.
We can simply start at the very base.
I am enough. As I am. Today. Worthy of love. Worthy of success. Worthy of happiness. Just because. End of story.
It makes me laugh at the fact that our minds will play funny tricks on us to get us to buy into the illusion that we are lacking in some way.
And of course, it is just that: a total and utter illusion.
With this notion at the forefront of our consciousness, we can begin to see it differently. We can begin to change our story and association we have about ourselves.
We can stop running around trying to change our weight, our appearance or any other outside factors in hopes of it making ourselves more lovable.
This is not to say there is not work to be done.
But the work can be about digging in deeper to our sense of self worth and value, the value we bring to the world by simply being alive, regardless of our success (or lack there of.)
If you can relate to this feeling of not enoughness here is a great mantra to incorporate. I made a pretty picture for you. Click display images if you aren’t seeing it.
I have come to realize that this feeling and belief that we are unlovable or unworthy is an epidemic that keeps weight on our bodies, keeps us in debt and keeps us from finding soulful relationships.
And I am committed to helping change that.
I’m really excited about sharing the new goods I have for you in the next few weeks.
It will address and help transform some of these very issues.
And of course, it is going to be done is a fun, SOULful (that’s a hint), invigorating way.
Stay tuned! It’s almost here.
If this topic resonates with you, you have had your own ‘version’ of why you thought you are unlovable (or are still working through it), come on over to the BLOG. I always love learning more about you and of course love hearing from you.
As always, I appreciate you making space for me in your inbox. It’s a real pleasure.