I Trust You

Now that baby girl is here, there are a few stories I feel ready to share.

I promise that you won’t need to be trying to get pregnant, pregnant or have children to appreciate them, as each brought lessons that I are applicable to wherever you are, right now.

First, my question for you.

How much trust and faith do you have in the other people in your life?

We hear about having trust and faith in oneself. But what about having trust and faith in others, in the people and situations in your life?

A story…

Getting pregnant wasn’t easy. (I’ll share more on that soon, promise.)

But once I got pregnant, like many who don’t have an easy time conceiving, I carried the fear that something might go wrong with the pregnancy.

Everything was going smoothly until…

Around 15 weeks, I started to bleed.

Not a little spotting, but a big gush.

My doctor told me to head to the emergency room right away so they could check the baby.

Of course, the next few hours were excruciatingly nerve-racking as we waited to be seen so we could see her little heartbeat on the monitor.

Sure enough, there it was, beat, beat, beating away.

They discovered I had developed a blood clot, or sub chronic hematoma near my cervix. However, everything with the baby was totally fine.

With this, I was put on pelvic rest. No exercise. No sex. No nothin’ to disturb that area.

The doctors said it could continue to bleed or not, but that usually it resolves itself over time and everything hopefully would be fine.

My anxiety would not let me fully believe that everything would be fine.

I was still spotting a little daily, even as I flew across country to start filming my TV show, Altar’d.

It was here that my worry started to kick into high gear.

Not to get graphic with you, but can you imagine if every time you went to the bathroom, you were waiting for the worst case scenario to happen?

It was like I was waiting for the shoe to drop.

The constant worry, stress, looking and waiting was beginning to wear on me.

I wasn’t sleeping well. I didn’t feel like I could be present in my job. And I was distant from the people close to me as I tried to protect myself and my babe.

It had been several weeks since I had gone to the emergency room and yet again, one night, I woke in a panic.

Only this time it was different.

Somehow, some way, I started having a little conversation with myself.

I started to say things like, “Erin, you are really making yourself miserable. How can we shift this?”

And then, the conversation turned toward my little girl, who was still just a tiny thing growing inside.

I said, “Listen little lady. I love you already. Beyond what you can imagine. I will do anything and everything to help make your life wonderful.

AND… I TRUST YOU.

I trust that you know what is intrinsically best for you. I trust your soul. I trust your choices. I have confidence in you and your desires. If you are ready to come and join us, we can’t wait to have you. But mommy is going to stop worrying so much. I have full confidence in you and your path right now.”

Then, the next morning, I wrote this gratitude list and shared it with my online gratitude group. I wanted people to hold these intentions and gratitudes with me:

I am Grateful
That my lil baby is thriving in there.
That she loves being cozy in my uterus and feels totally safe and taken care of.
That all her systems are growing beautifully. Her brain, her heart, her lungs, her kidneys, her bladder, her stomach, her lady bits. All of it is truly sublime. Life is helping to craft a perfect little miracle in there.
That she is not ready to make an appearance in the outside world yet, but subconsciously she is preparing herself for when she does get here so that she can sleep wonderfully, poop easily and eat all that nourishes her.
That she is mighty, wise, and full of joy as she rolls around in there, playing and having fun.
That she knows fun and play is all she has to worry about and do.
That she feels connected to Life and its nourishing love and spirit.
That her body knows how to heal whatever needs healing and grow whatever needs growing.
That she knows she has a mommy and daddy and grandpas and grandmas and aunts and uncles and cousins and friends that love her and can’t wait to play with her.
That while she grows bigger and stronger in there, she grows in confidence and security knowing that all is well.
That she is going to have the best daddy in the whole world.
That he can’t wait to meet her and see what kind of faces and noises she makes.
That even though, life will have challenges, I am grateful that deep down, she knows she can handle them and will be supported through each one. Just like her mama knows that too.

That afternoon, the spotting had stopped completely. Not a single nothin’.

And it never resumed. The next time I went to the doctor, they said the clot had appeared to resolve itself, as they thought it would.

Now, this is important.

I am NOT in anyway suggesting that my conversation OR my list was THE reason the spotting stopped or that the clot resolved itself when it did.

Because that would mean that I have more control over life than I believe I do.

But, I believe I have some control over my feelings and how I deal with stress.

I believe we have the ability to put faith and trust in people and situations even when it’s really, really hard to do.

I believe we can soothe ourselves into a new frame of mind so that we don’t walk around being angry at people.

Or fearful.

Or mistrusting.

Or blameful.

We can have conversations with people even when they are not present.

We can say, I trust you.

I’m sorry.

I love you.

Forgive me.

It’s ok.

Even when they may not be on the direct receiving end.

It is a way to give people grace, when in reality, it is bringing grace to your own soul, one Sweet word at a time.

Of course, you know the ending to the story, Mighty Kwynn made her way to us months later.

And even now that she is here, like any mom, I will sometimes wake in the middle of the night, wondering if she is breathing. I try to still practice this.

“I trust you.

I have confidence in you.

You’ve got this.

You are strong.

You are mighty.

I love you.”

Is there someone in your life you need to have more trust and faith in? Do you need to have a loving conversation with them instead of an angry one?

Perhaps try to practice it using some of the things I shared above. And if this post is something someone you know could use, pass it on.

Then, leave a comment below. Let me know how this lands? Tell me how you instill confidence in others. I can’t wait to hear from you.

With love,
Erin