3 Steps To Follow When You Feel Like You’re Failing

“Can you talk real quick?”

I got this text message from a girlfriend who needed a quick ear.

She was back in the dating game and decided to try a few of the online dating/swiping diddies.

She connected with a guy, they had two amazing dates and then—poof, he disappeared.

Of course she was confused as to why this happened, but she was also frustrated with herself. The dates were ridiculously good! What had she done wrong?!

A classic question. What did I do wrong?

She called me knowing I would offer up a different perspective.

If you are “working on yourself” in any sense, you are probably familiar with the idea that your outside world is a reflection of your inner world.

In its simplicity, the Law of Attraction says that like attracts like. Because my friend is in this frame of thinking, she wondered why she would attract someone who just bails.

Was that a reflection of something inside her? Did she not set the right intentions? Was there something about her that was out of alignment? Was she failing?

On top of that, she was feeling like, “I have done SO much work on myself. Must I really do more?”

Which leads me to the question I believe we can all relate to:

Why is it SO DANG hard to get the thing we want?

This applies to our money situations, our career issues and even our body stuff.

We all struggle from time to time wondering where ‘OUR THING’ is. Why is it taking so long? Why is it so hard? Are you failing? How much more do you have to do to achieve what you really want?

3 Steps To Follow When You Feel Like You’re Failing

If you are wondering where your ‘thing’ is, why it hasn’t manifested yet, I have 3 steps I want you to follow to help you get back into the flow when you feel like you’re failing.

1. Stop working on yourself.

I realize this step is an unlikely suggestion coming from a coach whose business is all about helping people better themselves. So, I don’t really mean you should throw in the towel completely, start eating bonbons and sit on your butt for the rest of your life.

But if you are someone who is constantly working on themselves (which is something we all need to do throughout our lives) and attempting to manifest, I would say this: give yourself a break.

The intense naval gazing can get, well, intense.

Stop looking inward for a while. Instead, chill OUT for a bit. Look outside yourself. Take the day off. Go out and play. Or spend the day in your pajamas. Better yet, go out and play in your pajamas.

You don’t get extra points in life because you constantly spent it peeling back the layers of your life.

You have to remember that the whole point of bettering yourself is so that you can LIVE better.

So wake up and LIVE, as Bob Marley sang.

2. Maybe you are actually already in PERFECT alignment.

My friend’s situation sounded like a win-win to me. She had not one, but TWO great dates with a guy she met on an app. Which proves it’s possible. She completely let him lead on both the dates, something that she was working on. Another win for her, because she proved she CAN let go of control AND still have a good time.

And finally, the fact that it didn’t work out after the second date says to me that maybe she was in HUGE and PERFECT alignment. Perhaps Life was saying, “No, no. This isn’t the right match. Sorry darling, I have to clear this one out. Close, but no cigar. Gotta make space for something better.”

Don’t assume just because something hasn’t happened yet, you’ve done something or are doing something wrong. Maybe you’re doing something incredibly right by taking the actions you are taking, which is allowing space for the next possibly great thing.

Which leads me to my last suggestion….

3. Embrace your confusion.

My friend really wanted to understand WHY. What happened? Why didn’t the magic last?

I can make a bunch of guesses as to why, but really, WHY?

I get it. It’s really hard living in the unknown, but ya know what?

We are not meant to KNOW everything about life. We don’t need all the details all the time in order to live happy, fulfilled lives.

Let the moment you’re in unfold, with no need to control it.

Embrace your confusion and the unknown.

Sometimes, when we stop trying to understand, we gain new understanding. 

The more you let go, the higher your rise.

Now over to you!

How do you deal when things aren’t manifesting in your life when and how you want? Do you have any tricks for letting yourself embrace the unknown? How do you cope when you feel like you’re failing? Leave me a comment with your thoughts.

‘Til next time,

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20 Responses to 3 Steps To Follow When You Feel Like You’re Failing

  1. Dana says:

    Hi Erin. There could not be a more perfect message for me to receive at this exact moment! Thank you. And love the soul stroll combo pack!

  2. Michele says:

    Great tips! I had this same experience many years ago. To me, it’s simply respectful to let the person know you’re not a fit. So I just decided that the other person is a nitwit, which makes me laugh. Trick #4: Add humor!

  3. Lily says:

    This is exactly what I needed today. Having gone through a very similar period of confusion, I had to step back and see the lesson, focusing not on the why this happened, but what I needed.

  4. Carla Danielson says:

    Rejection is God’s way (or your higher power’s) of protection.

  5. Karen says:

    Erin, your writing is beautiful and your tips are just perfect. Permission granted to stop working on myself. Love it!

  6. Jacqueline says:

    So spot on! I spent years (15!) trying to fix myself in a marriage to a true narcissist, because I was so sure my self-knowledge and self-help tools would be enough. Now I have learned to forgive myself (and others) and to let in a partnership with the Universe (higher power, etc) to co-create a better life. But it’s been incredibly slow. Things that help are truly knowing I am ok alone (in regard to relationships). And also that I’m not alone–that there IS something more than my own sheer will at work, and that Divine timing takes into account factors I’ll never know about in manifesting what I desire. On a practical level, I get so much out of an occasional retreat–just for me. A trip to the ocean, a hot stone massage, and releasing my cares to the wind while burning some sage–and I’m refreshed and ready for what’s next. Thank you for your great post! I wish I’d had these resources when I was in my 20’s and 30’s.

    • Erin says:

      Thank you for sharing this. You said it all so beautifully about allowing in the Universe to help and doing those sweet things for yourself. I couldn’t agree more. Thanks for reading and commenting. I really enjoyed your response! Xo

  7. Kelly Smith says:

    My mother always tells me if I find a paradox I’m getting closer to the truth. You’ve got a few great examples of that here:

    To really work on yourself, stop working on yourself.
    When we stop trying to understand, we gain new understanding.

    Thanks for the awesome reflection today– without having to reflect too much 😉

    • Erin says:

      Love that wisdom from your mama. And Haha, yes. A little reflection, without having to reflect too much:) xo

  8. Jeanine says:

    My approach to the chaos, confusion, ‘I want it now’and in this form’ but that is not what is happening. -which usually leaves me pouting on some level- is to
    Take several deep breathes,
    Ask myself if I am satisfied with my actions/internal place I am coming from and if the answer is ‘yes’ then I breathe some more and trust the process and try focus on continuing my path. The more I practice heading in a direction, tending to the baby steps and letting go of the outcome – the easier it is to not obsess about any particular issue.
    Lol …… I find I have plenty of other things to focus on ????

  9. Erin THANK YOU for this – was such a timely email to receive today. I’m writing a blog post inspired by this message! 😀

    Have a great Friday!

  10. Marie Nelson says:

    Thank you SO much Erin!! This resonates with me:

    We are not meant to KNOW everything about life. We don’t need all the details all the time in order to live happy, fulfilled lives.

    YES!! I’m going to let myself feel happy today without knowing all the why’s about all the what’s in my life right now 🙂

  11. Arwen Rogers says:

    This was very helpful, Erin! I have spent most of my life pulling apart every little detail and analyzing to find ways that “I must be wrong.” I think the reason things don’t manifest is because I always think there’s something I need to fix. Nothing good will come to me unless I’m perfect. This is dangerous thinking because when are we ever perfect? Never! But that doesn’t mean good things can’t happen to imperfect people. Thanks for the reminder!

  12. Robin says:

    This was perfect. Thank you Erin! You have helped me out of my slump now twice today. I’ve really been working on my past demons and tapes that seem to play subconsciously. Today was just one of those days, and sometimes I become hard on myself when I see that they are still there or rise to the surface …yet again. I’m having a birthday this weekend, and I find myself saying “aren’t you over this yet, haven’t we moved on and up Robin? You are too old and too wise to let the past drag you down.” It’s like I’m beating myself up again for not having it all together and being as perfect and enlightened as I’d like to be. Thank you for reminding me to give myself a break, and just feel the feeling and then go play outside. I’m so happy I bought myself your soul strolls for my birthday present, and I’m so grateful for your presence. You are doing such meaningful work in the world, and I know you are adding so much to women’s lives, because you are certainly a lovely light in mine. Sending you a big hug of gratitude. XO

  13. Donna says:

    What a perfect time to read your email, time to give myself a break, I have peeled away at the layers And I have been growing and healing and spiritually expanding but I am still not where I feel I should be still not sure about the why and the purpose but every journey, even a soul healing magic one must have a pit stop, a rest break somewhere to just sort of linger in the ‘this is where I am right now and that’s ok’ place. Handing it over to the universe for a while. Thanks Erin

  14. Kevin Decoteau says:

    Hi Erin,
    As you know I recently ran a marathon, not just any marathon the Boston Marathon. I did it because that knocking on my door had been going on for years and years. So I took my chance, entered it and run/walked the entire route! it was one of the warmest days they had seen in a long time and I am not a hot weather runner. So when I was on the starting line I told myself that no matter what happened if I chose to cross the start line, I was going to cross the finish line no matter how long it took. I gave myself encouragement along the way and have no recollection of thinking about dropping out along the way, I was going to finish. I did finish along with the help of some friend who showed up to encourage me along the route, especially Katie and Justin who were shouting encouragement to me for the last 5 miles and kept my mind off of how much my body hurt, It was a dream come true to finish and then to be able to tell myself I did it! I was a marathoner and joined the 1% in the world who had done that. I also thank you and the Shrink family for all the support over the last year, without you folks I may not have done it, so thank you. Whats next? I don’t really know, but this morning I went out on my first run since the marathon it was a slow easy run, some discomfort still but I did it. So I will see what is next, but I know something will show itself, probably before I am prepared for it, as a tease and will stay in my mind until I do it, whether in a few weeks or a few years. I am capable of so much more than I give myself credit for. A lesson I learned with the support of my shrink family.

  15. stace says:

    How do I feel when things don’t manifest when and how I want? I throw a tantrum.. in some form or another. Tonight I got angry at someone and cried and yelled. I am so frustrated, I feel shocked but somehow can’t walk away. I feel like a challenge has to be achieved…I try and avoid reminders of this until I can deal with the loss… But funny – saw a guy I sort of dated very briefly on FB – he deleted me after I had a baby with someone else – and has changed his profile to him with a woman in a wedding dress and a small child! (I think it could be his cousin and nephew ha ha). So other people do that, I get grumpy then calm down and find something else

  16. anna says:

    Sweet!! I like this.